"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."
— Proverbs 11:2, The Bible
So I've been thinking about it for a long time and I might as well spill my mind out on to you guys.
I hate how I am and how I've been acting recently. I'm changing.
Yes, I know it's me that does this, but it's impulsive. And I'm not talking about being more confrontational.
Recently I've been increasingly bringing being a homosexual up in inappropriate situations. I noticed it first when I would make gay jokes with my friends when something they said was suggestive. It was funny at first, but now it's just a habit. There's finding humour in yourself and there's exploiting one feature of yourself repeatedly for attention. Guess what this one is.
I want to stop, but I just forget every time and bring it up.
It wasn't like this even a year ago, and back then it was even worse, I thought I was transgender for a little while because there was a little bit of lingering confusion around puberty.
So why am I bringing it up so often? I don't know. I suspect it may be that it's the initial rush of thinking "I'll tell the world", despite being annoyed by that precise behaviour. Another suspect could be the increasingly strong political polarisation based on percieved (whether true or not) injustices to such people. I may be hanging around the wrong people, even.
But what if it isn't?
What if I stay like that? I don't want to, I don't think that it's particularly important to 92% of, well, really anything. It's more annoying than helpful, relevant, or dare I say interesting. And yet I'm afraid that it will happen.
And that people will congratulate me on being so strong, when in reality that couldn't be farther from the truth.
And guess what doesn't help?
The community. The community I ever so loathe and wish gone. The one I'm not and will never willingly be a part of.
I have seen so much bigotry from the community heterosexuals and transsexuals alike ought to be afraid of us. I realise that individuals are individuals and all, but associating yourself entails accepting the public perception as your own. Why do you think people join leather jacket & mutton chop biker gangs, for instance? To knit? No, it's to look to other people as hardened and cool on their bikes.
So at some point the people who willingly associate themselves with this behaviour ought to take responsibility, because they see this and think "yes, this is what I am."
The community that says that your opinion is more valid if you have a rainbow flag somewhere on your profile.
Plastering the rainbow loses me points from you.
And yet. . .I'm months away from plastering it as my avatar. Taking the little red pill of ideas doesn't seem to work.
I think it's a good idea to quit while I'm ahead. Get off the Internet for a month or two, and see if I get better. If not, then I'm afraid it is permanent. If it is, one more post. If not, I come back after just a little while. You wouldn't even know the difference.
I don't agree with who I'm becoming, so I'm going away from the Internet for a little bit, however long it takes for me to get back to how I once was.
-Oliver Alan Podolski, also known as the Cur of Badenoch.